The holiday season can be a welcome distraction for many empty nesters. Especially if your college student was able to come home to visit. For a brief moment, all felt right in the world. Your adult “children” slumbering in their own beds. The whole family together around the dinner table again. And then they went back to school. Leaving an ache in your heart and maybe a too-quiet house. So what now?
Plan to Visit Your College Student
It always helps if I know when I’m going to see my kids again. Otherwise, I get a pit in my stomach when I realize that they won’t be home until the end of the semester. In reality, it’s only four and a half months, but my mama brain naturally rounds up, so it feels like I won’t see them for five whole months. That’s almost half a year!
My best advice? Plan a trip to see your college student. If you can’t afford a plane ticket, consider taking some time off to embark on a road trip. Yes, I realize it’s not summer and there could be snow involved. However, driving allows you the flexibility to leave when there is no imminent threat of a snowstorm.
I personally find road trips, on dry roads, in the winter soothing. Snow-covered trees make me feel like I’m inside a real-life snow globe. That said, preparation is key. Add a shovel and bag of sand to the trunk of your car and pack plenty of warm clothes. Make sure you have a full tank of gas, check your tire pressure and get an oil change before you embark on your journey.
No matter how you get there, it’s a small price to pay to visit your college student in their natural environment. Make time to get to know their friends by taking them out to dinner. We did this when we visited our son last fall. His friends, all DI swimmers, literally lined up after dinner to thank us. One by one. Heartwarming? You can’t even imagine.
Start Something New
The beginning of a new year brings many a resolution. Studies show that 80% of people fail to keep their New Year’s resolutions by February. Instead, consider starting a new hobby, volunteering, or trying a new sport. I’ve found that winter days go by more quickly when you find ways to recreate outside.
Even though I grew up alpine skiing, when we moved to the mountains I took up cross country skiing, and found a whole new way to enjoy winter. Not only is it a great full-body workout, but being outside provides natural Vitamin D (with sunscreen only needed on my face.) Even going for a walk can give you the same benefits, just be sure to bundle up and reward yourself with a hot beverage afterward.
A Staycation with Your Spouse
If your college student doesn’t come home until spring, that gives you and your spouse plenty of flexibility to plan a romantic weekend. Just the two of you. Whenever it fits in your schedule.
If budget constraints prohibit a trip away, totally understandable when you’re paying for college tuition, then a staycation works just as well. The key is to apply all of the elements of a weekend away to a weekend in your own home. That means no projects, no laundry or cleaning and a fully stocked fridge in advance. Go to a movie theater or binge on Netflix. Cook a romantic dinner for two or order takeout. Dance in your living room. Turn off your phones. Make your own home feel like the ultimate getaway. With no alarm clock, no schedule, and better than any hotel, no slamming of doors to wake you unexpectedly.
Let Them Know You Miss Them
There is nothing wrong with being honest with your college student and telling them that you miss them when they are back at school. The key is to not make them feel guilty. Instead, pepper your comments about how you enjoyed seeing them over the holidays with how you’re spending your time without them home. Chances are they’ll appreciate your honesty. And if you’ve planned your staycation well, they may even be a little bit jealous of all the fun that mom and dad are having without them.
Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash
It’s bad even when you aren’t a literal “empty nester.” Sometimes it’s worse because when I’m feeling down, sad and distracted I then feel bad about not being present for my younger kids. Parental guilt just never ends…I found the “post holiday” period to be much harder than the initial drop-off when everything was still exciting, shiny and new. Now, it has really such in that my DD has legit moved on to a new phase of life. She is happy, thriving and we couldn’t be more proud but the grief is there in spades….Happy New Year all and hang in there!
I just dropped my son off at college yesterday. He is our youngest and we are really close. I didn’t cry when we left him but cried alot on the way home. The house seems way too quiet and I miss him terribly already. I know it will get better. Just feeling very blue and lonely without him😢
Amber,
I totally understand! My daughter is a senior and just left for her last semester of college yesterday and I cried like a baby. Today was a little better, but the ache is still there. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I feel the same way you do. Every. Single. Time. Just realize that you have been blessed with a close relationship with your son and that will never change. No matter how far away he is! Thanks for reading, Liz
Hey it happens to us dads too. We had a blast when our boys were home. We traveled 2 weeks and had them home two weeks. I’m super proud of all they are accomplishing and we gave them a great foundation and are very supportive, but I miss them like crazy! One is a Junior and the other is a freshman At Montana State. This grief took me by surprise.
Kirk,
Thanks for reminding us that dads feel the grief just like moms. Actually any guardian (aunt/uncle, grandparent) who sends their kids off to college goes through a continuous period of mourning the loss of having their kids leave home. But isn’t it so wonderful to enjoy the adult-to-adult relationship with your students?
Liz
When I read this I just started crying. I’m a single mom and we are very close so my sons absence literally brings on short boughts of depression when he leaves. Just didn’t occur to me how many other parents feel the same way. Thanks for sharing the article.
Kathy, you are not alone. I’ve struggled with depression since my twins left for college a year and a half ago. I can’t imagine coping as a single mom. Kudos to you for raising a son you’re so close to & who got into BU, an amazing school! Please sign up for my email list – I wrote a book about my journey that comes out on Amazon the week of Jan 28th. Hang in there, Liz
Being an empty nester is hard and I feel as parents we are always preparing them for their next milestone but aren’t ready for the day they leave home. It’s amazing when she’s home for breaks but really hard when she goes back. Great article!
Good point Lucrecia. I focused on parenting my twins right until they left for college & then looked around my empty nest & said, “What Now?” Hence the name of this website. Please sign up for my email list (below) so you know when my book comes out next week – Jan 28th! The subtitle is “A Parents Survival Guide to the College Transition”. Liz
💗. I already have her half birthday care package ready to mail and Valentines too! Miss her but so happy she’s loving BU. (Freshman)
Jennifer, I did the same – gathered Valentines care package items the day after my daughter left for school! Please sign up for my email list (below my picture on the homepage of this site) so you can get future blogs and know when my book comes out. The subtitle is “A Parents Survival Guide to the College Transition”. Liz
Nice.❤️
Kristen,
Thanks for reading! Liz