You’ve been planning for and possibly dreading it for months. Now the fateful day has arrived. You are officially dropping your child off at college for the first time. If this idea sparks a mix of emotions ranging from pride to fear and maybe even a tiny bit of nausea, don’t worry. You’re not alone.
Just two years ago, I was in the exact same place. We drove up to our daughter’s dorm with a rented Suburban packed to the roof. I had a pit in my stomach that had been a constant companion for over a week. But at the same time, I was overwhelmed with pride that my baby girl was grown up and ready to experience all that college had to offer. I survived and you will too. Read on for six tips on how to survive dropping your child off at college. Spoiler alert – your college student will be just fine. Even if you aren’t.
1. There Will Be Tears – How to Handle Them
Chances are that, despite your best intentions, you will at tear up when you say goodbye to your college kid. If you’re like me, you may even find yourself on the verge of crying throughout the move-in process itself. And that’s okay. Dropping your child of at college is one of the biggest ironies of parenting. Your most important task for 18 years was keeping them safe and teaching them how to become a contributing member of society. Then in the course of one day, poof, you’ve worked yourself out of a job.
Guess what? Your student expects you to get emotional when you say goodbye. Which means that when the time comes for that final hug or whisper of advice, you don’t need to hide your feelings. Let the tears flow freely. Just save the full-blown ugly cry for when you’re back in the solitude of your car. Don’t be disappointed if your college student doesn’t reciprocate your emotions with a tearful farewell. They are embarking on the exciting, all-encompassing journey of college life and they are thrilled about it.
2. Don’t Expect a Last Supper
Since I have twins, we had the dubious honor of dropping two kids off at two different universities on opposite sides of the country in the matter of a few short weeks. Which also meant that we attended two different college orientations. One of the key things I learned was from the Dean of Students, who eloquently told an entire hockey arena of parents and incoming students, “There will be no last supper.” His point was that most parents have grandiose plans of moving their kid into their dorm room and then taking them out to dinner for a final goodbye.
While this makes perfect sense to parents and guardians, I can assure you that your college freshman has a totally different view of how this day will go down. Their vision involves you dropping off their belongings and giving you a quick hug goodbye while they rush off to join their new hall mates or roommate to attend one of the many Welcome events on campus. And that’s exactly the way it should be.
3. Leave Them a Little Something
For both of my kids, I hid an envelope under their pillow after we moved them into their dormitory. Inside was a heartfelt letter about how proud I was of them, accompanied by a gift card to their favorite restaurant or store near campus. The dollar amount was small, since it really wasn’t about the money. Rather, it was a way to symbolize that even though we lived “far, far away,” from where they were attending college, we were with them in spirit.
My daughter found the envelope the first night that she slept in her dorm room when she and her roommate climbed into their lofted beds. However, my son, who is admittedly a heavy sleeper, didn’t discover the hidden treasure himself. So I texted him and suggested that he look under his pillow. There he discovered a very crumpled envelope that looked like it had been slept on for days. Go figure.
4. Make the Goodbye Short and Sweet
Parents, family members and support systems, please trust me on this one. The key to surviving dropping your child off at college is not making it a long, drawn out process. Honestly, your freshman just wants you to help them unpack, maybe go on a Target run and then hit the road. Why? Because they are ready for college, even if you’re not.
To prepare for the big moment, ask your student in advance when and where they want to say goodbye. It doesn’t matter if they choose a time and place different than your vision of a Hallmark-worthy farewell under leafy trees on the prettiest part of campus. This is their moment, not yours. Let your child be your guide.
5. Prepare for a Variety of Emotions
Another important tip to surviving dropping your student off at college and driving away without them in the car, cab or Uber is to accept that there are no right or wrong emotions. Whatever you feel is perfectly normal. Different parents and guardians will process this monumental change in a variety of ways.
I alternately cried and slept the entire eight-hour drive home after we dropped our daughter off. You would think that it would have been easier with my son, since I’d been through the process already. Nope. I cried and slept as we made our way up the coast to a weekend getaway, since our return flight was significantly cheaper if we stayed until Sunday. Was I worried about my kids enjoying college? Not in the least. They were both exactly where they belonged. I just felt like I had left part of my heart at each school.
A mother who dropped her eldest child at college out of state, was a little sad when she said goodbye, but returned home without the onslaught of the tears that I had experienced. She even admitted that life with “only” two kids at home was so much easier that she didn’t miss her daughter too much. Until Parent’s Weekend. That same parent sobbed when she said goodbye to her student at the end of a jam-packed weekend. Later she told me that she believed that she had experienced delayed grief.
6. Self-Care Once You’re Back Home
This may sound a bit melodramatic, but the first few weeks my kids were away at college, it felt like they had been gone forever. I expertly avoided each of their rooms, fearing a sob fest if I entered. Without the structure of our morning routine, I found myself staying in bed for as long as possible, dreading the quiet house that I had longed for so often in the infant and toddler years.
The key to getting through those first few weeks, or months, after you drop your child off at college is to nurture yourself with plenty of self-care. This means listening to your body and mind and learning what brings you a sense of peace. For some parents or guardians, it means taking a long nap, or treating yourself to a massage to help you relax and sleep more soundly. It could mean immersing yourself in a good book or binge-watching Netflix for the better part of the weekend. Yoga and exercise are also great outlets if you can focus on being in the moment and not let your mind wander. As a matter of fact, self-care can mean something different every day, or even every hour of the week. All you have to do is figure out exactly what you need in that moment and indulge in it.
This is the most helpful advice I’ve read anywhere on the subject of leaving your child off at University. My son is going to be a 3 hour drive away. My husband left us 2 years ago. I’m an older parent and this feels like the most daunting challenge yet. I love my son and he’s an excellent human and I’m going to miss him so much. I’ll check in with him on how and where he wants me to hand over his independence. Thank you this is super helpful.
This is the most helpful advice I’ve read anywhere on the subject of leaving your child off at University. My son is going to be a 3 hour drive away. My husband left us 2 years ago. I’m an older parent and this feels like the most daunting challenge yet. I love my son and he’s an excellent human and I’m going to miss him so much. I’ll check in with him on how and where he wants me to hand over his independence. Thank you this is super helpful.
I am late to the party- you originally posted this in 2021- but wanted to thank you. Dropped my oldest off at college last Thursday, and have been going through all the emotions since. The spontaneous and random crying is the hardest, to be certain. I came across your article and it helped; often times, just knowing we are not alone in something can be tremendously healing. Thank you again.
Elisa,
I am so glad this post helped you! It is the most widely read post on my website and with good reason. Dropping our kids off at college is so, so hard. I just did an interview promoting my book in Houston, Texas for the 50 and Flourishing podcast with Dominique Sachse. And in preparation for the interview I reread my book and still cried (6 years later) at the chapter on Saying Goodbye. Thanks for reading! Liz
I too am just reading this and just dropped my oldest son off to college. He’s still close – only 20 min away- but the realization it will never be the “same” and that he is on his own – has made me feel like I got punched in the gut and home feels so quiet & sad. And I still have three more kids at home! Which makes me feel guilty I am so sad! It is much more brutal than I had imagined. Taking deep breaths & lotsa walks. That is all that has helped so far.
Thank you for this article! I will most certainly be buying the book. Just dropped off my first born & it’s been a difficult transition for me to say the very least. One minute I’m beaming with pride as a co-worker asks about my son who left for college & the next moment I’m fighting back tears imagining worse case scenarios that could be happening to him in that very moment. I know it seems so silly but I did not think it would hurt this much. My son and I are very close naturally due to the fact I was a single mother. All throughout high school he preferred being at home & studying if he wasn’t at work. Now his lack of presence at the dinner table is much more profound. I find myself walking by his room and just staring at his empty bed. There’s a certain peace you have as a parent when you lay your head down for the night after checking on all the kids and everyone is safe, tucked in, and under one roof. I no longer have that. I know it will get easier, after-all it’s only been one week & I’m sure I’m probably being a little melodramatic.
Angela,
You are not being melodramatic – you’re being a mom! Sending a child off to college is hard for anyone, and even harder for single moms like you who have raised a college-bound kid by themselves. First, pat yourself on the back for letting him go. Then, by all means, take time to grieve. One of the moms that I interviewed for my book said she wouldn’t go into her college student’s room for 2 weeks after they left. Personally, I crawled into my daughter’s bed and cried myself to sleep, just aching for her presence. There is nothing silly about your feelings, they are all real and valid and most importantly normal. As far as the worry, trust that you raised him well and he will make good choices. I promise you will have that feeling of all your kids being safe and tucked in under one roof when he comes home for the holidays and you will relish it even more than in the past!
Thanks for reading,
Liz
Thanks for this article! Said goodbye (again) to my daughter yesterday at the day long orientation after going the week before moving her into her dorm room for a pre-orientation backback/kayak trip. I was prepared to be sad this time (again) but not hurt. We were set to have lunch in the cafeteria like other families but when I got to our table by husband said she was having lunch with friends instead (she had asked him 1st). I was of course thrilled for her – but still taken aback. Parents split off for their own orientations for the afternoon and we’d meet up at 5 for the president’s address then goodbye at 5:30. I was looking forward to meeting up with her at 5 but she was nowhere to be found. She’d decided to sit with friends (which we didn’t know at the time, were searching for her) – and again, it’s all a good thing – but there I was surprised again with the abruptness. At the end we said our goodbyes and she returned to her group. Long drive home last night, bleary eyed and exhausted, will be unpacking all the things she didn’t want that we brought, and I’m surprised to find myself at home today irritated as I process it all – including the weeks and weeks of buying here everything she needed, paperwork, etc. Found myself wanting her shower stuff out of the bathroom, don’t want to look at her class schedule on the frig – like, I hear you loud and clear, “Buh-bye!” Realizing I’m feeling like my boyfriend just broke up with me, fairly publicly, cuz he’s over it, and my bestfriend (husband) is gently telling me it’s for the best and not to dwell on it. Looking at my garden with a favorite plant that got chewed down to the nubs by rabbits, no flowers this season, is how I’m feeling. Chewed up and sitting there all scrawny like – what just happened??!! Thinking on the dean’s speech to parents, hilarious – thinking she’d tell me “she didn’t want to have lunch w/u? Yep. Didn’t want to sit with you at the closing. Yep. Wanted you out of there? Yep. It’s all good.” The president of the college sang to everyone at the end, hilarious. Frozen’s “Let it go” but with revised lyrics “Let them go” while passing out wands to the front row and the orientation kids behind her dancing. And that’s what I’m trying to laugh about. Ok – heard loud and clear! Letting her go! Now trying to shift to not being mad at her. Crazy.
Anahid,
Well, the good news is that you can see at least some of the humor in the situation and you know this is just your daughter separating. I understand the hurt/anger, but try to channel it into something positive for yourself. You did it! You raised an independent young woman who is embracing college life. Wouldn’t you prefer a few hurt feelings versus her wanting to come home every weekend, sobbing when you left and being generally miserable at college. And sure you have every reason to be hurt, but I promise you that sometime in the next four years a lightbulb will click on over her head and she will realize what an amazing, supportive mom you have been. My daughter often tells other parents that she didn’t realize how good she had it (at home, with us as her parents) until her freshman year of college. Whenever your daughter realizes the same thing, I promise it will make all the hurt dissipate. Thanks for reading, Liz
Gosh, I can relate . And I love Liz’s response . It is better to have our Kids feel secure and happy where they are , rather than crying and miserable , wanting to come home . I’ve had both scenarios now and they both equally hurt. But I am going to patiently wait for the blessing , which will come later when she realizes just how much she has been loved into independence. Be proud Mommas! ♥️
Kim,
Great attitude! Thanks for sharing with the rest of this growing community of parents.
Thanks for reading,
Liz
Fellow mother of boy/girl twins. Dropped off the girl last week. Boy goes on Tuesday. How did yours process not having each other?
I’m doing fine, BTW. I knew what to expect.
Silagh,
Glad you were prepared about what to expect when your boy/girl twins left for college. Ironically my twins seemed to get closer and talk more frequently when they weren’t living under the same roof. They actually called each other and had phone conversations. I think they enjoyed attending different schools and having their own college experience. Best of luck in the coming months. It’s an adjustment for sure but you will be pleasantly surprised at how much you enjoy having an adult relationship with them as they progress through their college years. Thanks for reading, Liz
When my son was about 6, we were listening to “Father and Son” from Cat Stevens and I explained to him that one day he will grow up and move out to pursue a life on his own. At that moment a small sense of his naivety was lost as he realized one day we would not live together. He cried saying he wanted to be with us forever. I assured we will indeed always be together, just not under the same roof. I always think of this as the date approaches when we drop him off at college 10 days from now. I’m already crying here and there, but so happy, excited and proud for him. I believe my wife and I did a pretty damn good raising him and seeing him embarking on an adulthood full of promise and possibilities is our reward. Thanks for the article!
Pat,
Thanks for the poignant response. I remember when my son was little, he used to say that he wanted to marry me so he could live with me forever. In fact, I mention it in the book that I wrote that is available on Amazon. Needless to say, he was more than happy to go off to college and had what he describes as the “best four years of his life.” I agree that it is bittersweet, but it sounds like your head is in the right place even as you grieve his leaving. Thanks for reading, Liz
Thank you so much for this advice. I know what I am feeling is normal. The juxtaposition of emotions i am feeling seems crazy. As a single parent, its been just me a d my daughter for 18 years. I am truly struggling with all my emotions. So thrilled, happy, excited, and proud for her. But so sad too. I am being kind to myself. Thankfully I have friends checking in and plans to keep busy once I get her to college. Its just a lot.
Kimberly,
I can feel your angst through the computer! It seems like just yesterday I was dropping my daughter off at college – and now I’ve moved her into a new apartment out of state for her first fulltime job. And it was just as hard. I completely understand the juxtaposition of emotions since I just felt it again while moving her. It sounds like you have a great attitude and lots of tools in place once she’s off to college. Self-care is so important and so is allowing yourself to feel the really big feelings. I promise after a couple of weeks that you’ll get used to her being away, but in the meantime it will be tough. Hang in there, Liz
Just dropped my son off at college 2 days ago. I’m a single mom who lives in nyc and my son is in college in Chicago. I’m so depressed and can’t stop crying. I feel so selfish for secretly wanting him to want to come home. I know that’s not what I want really, but I can’t help the feeling. I’m just so lost and worried. I know that everything will be ok and that we raise and prepare them their whole lives for this moment but I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.
Stormie,
I’ve felt all the same feelings that you have right now, so you are not alone. First off, cut yourself some slack. I cried for days after my kids left for college and wished that they had chosen an in-state school where they could come home on the weekends. It’s perfectly natural and is healthy to feel the way you do. Consider this a grieving period. You are grieving the fact that your son doesn’t live under the same roof with you anymore and are grieving letting him go. Take time for yourself each day – binge watch a show, go for a walk, get your nails done, eat some comfort food, exercise, anything that brings you joy. At the same time, make sure you are celebrating that you raised him well. It’s good that he is in another state – what a growth opportunity you are giving him. So pat yourself on the back mama. Last, but not least you have to trust your son to make good choices. I promise the worry will subside soon, especially after you hear about what he is doing. The missing him – well, I wish I could say it goes away, but it never really does. You do however, with time, get used to your “new normal” and the ache is much less pronounced. And then he’ll come home for the holidays and you will be thrilled! Thanks for reading, Liz
I am a single mom as well and it’s just been me and Georgia forever. I dropped her off yesterday and I have been a mess. I am actually nervous that I am never going to feel ok again. I am extremely proud of her but also extremely sad. Thank God for my dog!
Leelee,
As I mentioned to Kimberly, being a single mom just elevates all of the emotions of saying goodbye to your college student even more. So it’s okay to be a mess. Honestly, it’s part of the grieving process and yours is magnified by not having a partner to share your sorrow with. I also understand the nervousness of not feeling ok again, but I promise you will get used to your “new normal.” Thanks for reading, Liz