Empty Nest Syndrome. While it may sound like a disease, it’s actually a phrase coined for when the last child leaves home. The key symptom is a very real ache in the heart. But in this world of COVID-19, with some colleges providing online-only instruction and many recent graduates unable to find a job, some parents are experiencing the precursor (or postcursor) to the empty nest. Another fancy term. The Quasi-Empty Nest. For guidance on how adjust to this new phenomenon, I interviewed a certified life coach who specializes in coaching empty nesters. Read on for tips on how to preserve your sanity while allowing your young adult the space they need to grow. So they can eventually fly away.
What is a Quasi-Empty Nester?
Katrina Session, a certified professional coach and owner of In Your Image Life Coaching says, “Being a quasi-empty nester means you don’t have the same rights and responsibilities you had when they were children. They are still in your home, but they don’t operate on your schedule anymore. You’re almost an empty nester, but not quite.” A mother of three, Katrina still has two young adults living at home; a son in college and a daughter who is working. So, she has firsthand, up close and personal experience with this unique parenting phenomenon.
Parents Role in the Quasi-Empty Nest
According to Katrina, many of the same rules apply to parents in an almost empty nest as those whose kids have all left home. Her biggest tip? Don’t be controlling. If your young adults are not going down the path that you’d recommend, you’ll definitely see their irritation when you voice your opposing opinion.
Similarly, Katrina suggests not giving advice unless asked. Instead she recommends asking questions of your young adult to facilitate a discussion. Examples include, “So what do you think you should do about that?” and “What have you done so far?” Keep in mind that, “girls tend to be more communicative as opposed to boys who may not answer right away,” cautions Katrina.
Last, but not least, resist the urge to hover. Young adults need space. Just like their parents.
Create Your Own Adventure
It’s important for quasi-empty nesters to develop their own interests after focusing on parenting for 18 or more years. “The people who are happiest have a lot of causes in their life that they are now free to pursue without feeling guilty about not spending time with their kids,” says Katrina. As a life coach of nine years, she leads her clients through questions and programs to a process of self-discovery. Katrina reminds them that even though their house is empty; they don’t have to be.
Whether her clients were stay-at-home parents, worked part-time while raising kids or were business owners, they each have a different struggle once their children are gone or still living at home somewhat independently. Katrina finds that business owners who now have the freedom and time to delve into their business tend to keep ramping it up and pushing themselves until they’re completely drained. They have replaced the kids with work unknowingly.
Alternatively, many parents who worked part-time while raising kids immediately transition to fulltime once they face a completely empty or partially empty nest. “If possible, part-time working parents should wait at least six months before going fulltime in their current position, to be sure it is the best fit in this new season of life. It could be that the part-time job was just something to do while the kids were home and they have the passion and skills to do something entirely different,” suggests Katrina.
And stay-at-home parents have their own unique challenges. They often miss the realization that not being responsible for day-to-day parenting is a huge life change. “I don’t think enough time is spent grieving the loss of your old role,” says Katrina. “The key is to make sure you’re adjusting well before jumping into something new.”
And even with young adults still at home, it’s important for parents to carve out time for their relationship as well. Let your kids know that you have your own schedules and plan an overnight trip away once in awhile to have space away from them. This also gives your young adults a chance to function on their own without parents around.
Parenting During a Pandemic
In the pre-COVID world, empty nesters looked forward to traveling, starting a new hobby and socializing more. Even though the pandemic has changed the way we interact, Katrina suggests that you can still accomplish those goals, even with kids still at home. Embark on a road trip instead of visiting another country, go to friends’ houses and sit six feet apart around the fire, or take up a language online, for example.
As far as parenting young adults still living at home during these uncertain times, Katrina notes it’s important to make sure they’re not heading toward depression. “Plan some kind of activity they have to look forward to every week as opposed to a sea of nothingness,” she suggests. Other ideas include doing a project together, such as creating a garden for the family, or spending a day at the beach or going on a hike. The key is if your young adult is home for more than a week or two, it’s important to help them create some structure and balance in their life.
Adjusting to An Empty Nest (When It Finally Happens)
Despite being in a state of limbo, quasi-empty nesters should keep in mind that the day will eventually come when all their kids will be out of the house. And even though you may be wishing it were sooner rather than later, know that there will inevitably be a sense of loss when they’re gone. The main thing is not to try to cover up your feelings. “It’s like grieving the loss of anything else,” says Katrina. “If you make yourself too busy, at some point it’s going to come back on you. It’s better to go through the process, the tears and loneliness, and embrace this new season.”
Because even when you’re a full-fledged empty nester, you never stop being a parent.
Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash
