When Your Kids Graduate from College
As I am writing this my twins will graduate from college in a few months. In fact, the amount of time is so short that I could measure it in mere weeks. But I won’t. Why? Because that same sense of dread when they graduated from high school is slowly seeping back in. Don’t get me wrong. Part of me is thrilled not to be dishing out money for college tuition and the ridiculously high rent that comes with living in a college town. But the other part is secretly worried about what life will look like without an academic calendar to guide when they come home.
Welcome to the Empty Nest 2.0. When your college students are officially launching into capital “A” adulting. This time it’s not the parents launching their kids, but your offspring officially launching themselves. So how do we, as parents, support and encourage from the sidelines? While still feeling all these really big emotions that come with not knowing where our kids will land.
Uncertainty in Uncertain Times
For parents with college students graduating amid COVID-19, there is so much more uncertainty than in a “normal” year. The job market is tighter, forcing graduates to consider options that they probably wouldn’t have entertained pre-pandemic. One of my kids has accepted an unpaid internship for the summer hoping it will lead to a fulltime opportunity in the fall – when more people are vaccinated and a return to some semblance of normalcy begins. The other is considering a temporary, project management position that would require travel throughout the U.S. to bide time until more fulltime job opportunities are available.
Which means both of my kids, either at the same time or different times, could end up moving home temporarily. Is this what I envisioned happening when I dropped them off at college four years ago? Not a chance. But I’m proud of both of them for getting creative about exploring unique opportunities during one of the most uncertain times in our country’s history.
And to be completely honest, I’m secretly thrilled at the prospect of having one or both living under the same roof, albeit on a short-term basis. I still miss them terribly when they leave . While crying and hugging my son goodbye after Christmas this year, he commented, “You’d think it would get easier.” To which I replied, “It does. If you don’t like spending time with your kids. That’s the problem, I like you too much.”
Accepting the New Reality
If your college graduate is lucky enough to find a fulltime job during all this uncertainty, consider yourselves blessed. But recognize that the position may be in a geographic location farther away from home than where they attended college. That, coupled with limited vacation time, may mean that they aren’t able to come home as much.
Try not to take it personally if they want to use some of their hard-earned vacation time to visit friends from college. Remember, they spent four years building lifelong friendships and these relationships were their lifeblood during their college experience. Both of our kids literally consider their college friends like family, which makes sense since they lived together, studied together, and socialized together.
It’s also important to prepare yourself now for the fact that the holidays will be different with them working fulltime. Long breaks during college are a thing of the past and so you may only see them for a few days; if you’re lucky. Our daughter is in a field that will require her to work holidays until she builds up some seniority. So, we’ve decided that we will travel to her until she is able to come home.
The key is to be as supportive as possible during this time of transition and remember the job they choose and where they end up living isn’t about you. It’s about them finding their own path.
Living with Kids in the House Again
If your college grad ends up returning to the nest temporarily, it’s important to set expectations for yourself and them. Whenever my kids came home from college, I would clear my calendar and treat it like my own mini vacation. We wouldn’t spend entire days together, but there was plenty of time for breakfast or lunch dates, going on hikes and happy hours at home.
And while all this sounds fabulous, the downside was we would adapt to their cadence of life, something I like to call “college time.” My husband and I would stay up late with our collegians, talking and reminiscing, playing cards and often having one too many glasses of wine. Since they were on a break from school, our kids would sleep in the next day, while we would wake up at the same time our middle-age body clocks were naturally set. The point – college time is only sustainable for twenty somethings, not their parents.
Instead, do your best to stick to your own schedule and routine to preserve your sanity. And while it’s important to give your college grads some space, figure out together how they can contribute to the household. Make sure they do their own laundry, like they have for the past four years, and suggest they help take turns cooking. You can still relish having them home, just remember it’s not a visit anymore. It’s everyday life.
Love your writing and message Liz! It’s good to just get all these feelings and thoughts out in the open and realize it’s normal, A lot of us are experiencing the same emotions and similar circumstances, and you bring it to the table for us to acknowledge. Thank you!
Love this Liz…thanks for your realistic, yet fun style of writing for those of us not quite there yet, but fast just approaching these years. Love the comment about “I like you too much”! That should of made him feel pretty special. XO
Jolee,
Thanks for your kind words. And yes, in fact, my comment, “I like you too much” brought tears to his eyes. Something very rare in a 21 year old man. And it’s something I’ll remember and treasure forever.
Liz