As I dropped off both of my college students, after a brief visit home at the end of spring semester, I felt a knot in my stomach. Coupled with a healthy dose of nausea and tears that I promised wouldn’t flow. My kids were returning to their respective states, where they attended college, for the summer. And I had only one person to blame for this turn of events – myself.
A 12-month lease, the option to take a class and the chance to train year-round with his college coach led me to blithely suggest that my son should stay at school for the summer. A few months later, his twin sister accepted a highly-sought-after internship out of state. Both opportunities were exactly what my college students needed the summer before their junior year. But that didn’t make saying goodbye hurt any less. Below are some tips for parents or guardians who find themselves in the same spot.
Embrace Your Emotions
Trying to hide my feelings has never really been an option. I always tear up whenever I say goodbye to my college kids. Whether it be for a semester or a summer. So, I let the aforementioned tears fall, even though I knew I’d see my son and daughter in just a few months. Thankfully they didn’t judge, and instead gave me extra hugs. When I said I didn’t know why I was so upset, my son wisely replied, “It’s because you’re a mom.” Which only made me hug him tighter.
My best advice to parents is to let your college student be privy to your emotions. It keeps you from bottling them up inside and your kids will sense something is wrong if you don’t share with them. The key is not to make them feel guilty. Tell them how proud you are of their choice and then show them how much you love and miss them.
Self-Care
Personally, I’ve never quite mastered the art of self-care. Instead, I tend to push through life, even when I’m exhausted, just to get the boxes checked. But here’s the thing. When your college student doesn’t come home for the summer, taking time for yourself is the best medicine. The serendipity of not having your student(s) around means that you now have the time to nurture your mind, body and spirit.
What is self-care? Simply put, it means listening to your body and emotions to find out exactly what you need at any given point in time. It could be as simple as taking a nap, bingeing on Netflix, or getting lost in a good book. It can be as indulgent as treating yourself to a massage, taking a yoga or meditation class or as simple as soaking in a hot bath. For some people connecting with others lifts their spirits, so meeting a close friend for coffee or lunch does the trick. There are no right or wrong answers. The important thing is to allow yourself the time and space to figure out exactly what would make you feel better.
Look on the Bright Side
To be totally honest, my husband and I are a teensy bit relieved that our college students chose not to come home for the summer. Yes, we will miss spending time with them and the conversations and inevitable joking that is so familiar. What we won’t miss, however, is being on a college schedule. People coming and going at all hours of the day, staying up late with our kids, only to realize when the alarm goes off the next morning that we’re getting a little too old for late nights.
And then there are the inevitable parental expectations. Family bonding time that doesn’t happen as much as you’d like because of your kids work and social schedules. Which is just fine. Your college students have been on their own for the last nine months. They shouldn’t have to conform to the schedule of their parents who go to bed at 10 p.m. (How decidedly uncool.) So, this summer embrace your quiet, or quiet(ish) house if you still have other kids at home.
Adulting 101
Another benefit of your student staying at school or taking a job away from home over the summer is that it gives them the chance to practice adulting. This recently coined term refers to perceived mundane tasks that responsible adults do regularly. Paying bills, learning how to get Wi-Fi installed, grocery shopping, cooking and even going to the dry cleaners are all examples of adulting. Things that many college students, or at least those who live in the dorms, don’t do on a regular basis.
Giving your student the chance to live on their own for the summer, perhaps in a new city, is the beginning of Adulting 101. Don’t be surprised if you get texts or phone calls with questions about how to mail a package from the post office, what to wear on their first day of work, or if it’s alright to freeze meat. Take a moment to chuckle inside, answer their question without judgement and then pat yourself on the back. This is just one of many steps toward helping your college student become an adult with a capital A.
Photo by Dylan Gillis on Unsplash
My son is graduating next month and instead of moving home before he starts grad school, he extended the lease on his rental home for the summer. I pay his home rent etc.
My newly high school graduate is moving 4 1/2 hours away to college in 6 weeks and is already talking about the possibility of getting an apartment next summer to move there permanently. This breaks my heart. I left my home state and my family after I got married and I have regretted it everyday. I want my son to make his own choices but I don’t think he realizes how huge this decision could have on the rest of his life. I have come to learn how important having family around is. He will be 4+ hours away from any of his family members all year long.
Dee, I know exactly how you’re feeling. That was how I felt this summer when both of my kids decided to stay in their college states for the summer. However, with your son just starting college, he may feel very differently after his freshman year. Both of my kids were ready to come home for the summer after their freshman year. And if for some reason, he doesn’t want to come home, that doesn’t mean he will live in that town permanently. Once his college friends graduate and move away, he may decide to move closer to home himself. As one mom that I interviewed for a blog that I’m working on right now says, “If you don’t let them go, they can’t go.” You’ve done a great job raising him and now it’s your job to let him go. But that doesn’t mean you can’t secretly hope and pray he comes back at some point! Liz
Thank you for this. My son is staying in Colorado for the summer & it’s been hard knowing I won’t have him around for the usual 10 plus weeks. It gave me a different way to look at it. I can still feel sad, it also a little proud.
Thank you!
Ana, my pleasure. I hope it helps! Liz
I really enjoyed reading this, Liz–your writing is so engaging. It brought back many memories from years gone by. I’m taking your advice right now and will indulge in a bubble bath! Keep writing, and we hope to see you when you come to Denver.
Thanks Sue. We will definitely catch up this summer! Liz
Really good advice, Liz.
In my opinion, you “knocked it out of the park” with this blog.
Thanks Duane. It was a rough few days after I dropped them off on Sunday and Monday, so this blog was advice for myself as well as others! Please share the blog with anyone you think could benefit.